i would now.

ive never felt as disappointed and despondent as this.
ive never felt like such a letdown.
ive never felt this controlled.
ive never felt with such a disbelief.
ive never felt this demoralised.
ive never felt this fustrated.
ive never felt like the road down is bleak.
ive not teared for almost a century.

and just by a single incident, a single discontinuation, a single conversation, a single confrontation, a single visit, an argument, a white lie, a breakaway from training, ends it all. these "never felt"s just came crashing like an open wave into my open wounds.

yes, it was the ivp race today. at gombak stadium, eugene smsed us reminding us to be in the school's north canteen by 11.30am when i remembered i couldnt even participate.
it was way disappointing how things turned out. my first ever race, and though i was not the actual runner, i was still honoured with being a reserve. and i was given the greater honor of being part of the relay. but all hopes went down after im not allowed to be on track by the nutritionist and by mum.

perhaps i brought it upon myself.
but all i needed was some assurance, but my own kin doesnt even believe a single word i say i guess. im still filled with doubt in the end.

i was affected the whole day at work thinking bout not being able to be there on the track racing against time, and cheering my track mates on.

i may not be the fastest runner.
but i am a determined runner.

i may be lying through my teeth,
but it was a white lie, and i didnt want to cause any worries nor any fears.

i may be working way too hard,
but im living it well.

i may be weak and away from my dearest kin,
but im healthy and i do care.

will you still believe me now?